Day of Reckoning...ABCD

Theatre of Dreams

Are we ready to embrace our destiny? Or will we throw it all away?
We will only know when the whistle for full time blows.

Ability - We do have that in abundance.
Belief - Believe in ourselves, that we can win this.
Confidence - Maybe the Chelsea game exposed our weaknesses, but our confidence still remains strong.
Determination - Hope that we will show our tenacity here.

『Nothing splendid has ever been achieved except by those who dared believe that something inside of them was superior to circumstances』
~Bruce Barton~

Rain...

~~~~
March 31st, 2008

The door slided open, and his smiling face greeted her.

"Good morning, I am here to deliver some flowers to a Miss Fukuhara" he told her.

"That would be me, but you can stop pretending, Eiji, your acting really sucks" she teased him.
"Hina, how could you be so rude?!" His mock expression of bewilderment caused her to burst out laughing.

As usual, he was the one who could make her laugh, anytime, anywhere. The only one.

Their light-hearted bantering continued for a while.

Then she noticed his eyes as he looked at the calendar beside the vase in which he had placed the tulips that he had brought for her, on the small table beside her bed, at the little crimson circle around the date 1st of April. The day he would leave her.

"You knew then..." his voice trailed off.

"Of course, how could I not know. It will be your big day after all." she smiled at him.

"I am sorry that I didn't tell you myself." He was a bit flustered.

"It's ok, I am happy for you. Not everyone gets a second chance to fulfill their dream." she tried her best to appear cheerful, but he saw through her pretense, and she knew it too.

Yet sometimes, the price of a dream can be quite high, isn't it?

She knew because she had first-hand experience. That was why she was in this room, that was why she had been here since, how long had it been... maybe 3, 4 years ago.

Since that fateful day, when she was delirious with joy after being crowned national champion for her passion - ballet dancing. For the first and the last time.

~~~~
March 29th, 2004

"Bang!!!" The impact sent her flying, and she landed on the opposite side of the road where her bike had.

"Both her legs have been severely injured, and I am afraid she will have to be on a wheelchair for the rest of her life." The doctor's diagnosis broke her parents' hearts.

He had taken the earliest plane back from Barcelona when he heard about it. He came back the way he left, without her knowing.

And he had stayed ever since. Putting his dream on hold.

He had been by her side all this time, even though she had told him to leave her and go pursue his dream.

But he wouldn't. "Don't worry about me, I am perfectly fine."

In a way, it was true. He was like a nomad, one of those rare souls who could feel at home anywhere. Over there in Barcelona or here in Kobe, he was comfortable. But his close friends knew that his potential was being wasted. And he knew it too.

"At least, you should continue your studies. You cannot work part-time forever." Koji, his best friend since primary school would remonstrate with him.

"I'll continue my studies sometime, just not now."

~~~~
March 1st, 2008

Time waits for no man, though in his case, Time was kind enough to wait nearly 4 years.

Finally, the ultimatum had been issued, “Start school next semester or be expelled.”

He was torn between his dream, and the girl of his dreams. In the end, he knew that he had to leave. It was for both of them.

After all, you cannot really dance in the rain and feel the raindrops if you keep holding on to your umbrella, can you?

~~~~
March 31st, 2008

“I should be going. Have a good rest.” he told her gently.

“I will. Have a safe trip.” She replied with a smile that reminded him of that spring 4,5 years ago.

No goodbyes then, no goodbyes now.

The door slided close, and her last glimpse of him was his expressionless back.

It started raining, as he left the hospital.

Serving it on a silver platter...

Are we so full of confidence that we will serve the trophy to Chelsea on a silver platter? Or was it just a facade, an attempt to conceal our burgeoning doubt?

I hope not, but from the way we lost, it seems rather scary. We lost Vidic (again), but that can only explain the 2 goals we conceded. We could and should have scored at least 2 or even 3, and claimed the title that now seems so close yet so far.

I seriously believe that we need to do some soul-searching. Not merely because we lost, but because of the way we did it. Losing 1-2 away at Stamford Bridge is not something to be embarrassed about; on the other hand, it is not something to be proud of either. We should have gotten a draw although I am not sure if that was Sir Alex's game plan. In the end, we came and left empty-handed.

We lost this battle, but hopefully the war can still be won. By us.

Let us not doubt ourselves, let us not throw it all away at the final hurdle, let us not snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.

Remember who we are. Remember why we are here. Remember our purpose.

『A mind troubled by doubt cannot focus on the course to victory.』
~Arthur Golden~

UT stands for ...

UT stands for the University of Tokyo, as many Todai people will tell you.

For me, it has two other meanings, which people may find quite lame. But I can be quite lame at times, so I won't refute them. To each his/her own, anyway. lol

UT to me also stands for u too. This is very crappy, so please bear with me.

The 3rd UT refers to Understanding and Trust.

I remember that I asked some people which would they choose, if they were given a choice of only one.

There were a good mix of answers, but I was more interested in the reasons, and some of the reasons given by my friends were very thought-provoking. Like how you cannot trust what you do not understand, etc. Although I feel it is all a matter of perspectives.

For me, I feel that trust or belief or faith is more important than understanding or comprehension. Why? Because I am beyond comprehension sometimes. haha

Maybe it is because yours truly is too simple, so most people whose minds are more developed cannot understand. lol

『Seek not to understand that you may believe, but believe that you may understand.』
~Saint Augustine~

Spicing things up...

We did enough to win the game at Ewood Park, but we didn't.
Perhaps it was because we relished the prospect of beating Chelsea at their homeground, or perhaps it was because of our inability to finish.

Whichever the case, we have spiced things up, thanks to Brad, the Blackburn keeper who pulled off a series of Schmeichel-sque saves. Sir Alex said that getting a draw away and in the dying minutes of the game showed our credentials as champions.

Maybe he has a point. However, I believe that we should have sealed it up by then, whether we were away or not. Let's not do a Arsenal please.

Still, April 26th is the day of reckoning. Beat Chelsea, and we will be crowned champions. But before that, we have Barca coming up. Messi is back, so they will be even more dangerous and should not be underestimated at all.

Let us win beautifully against Barca, let us win convincingly against Chelsea. I am not being greedy, am I? :p

I believe in you. I hope you do too. :)

『For those who believe, no proof is necessary. For those who don't believe, no proof is possible.』
～Stuart Chase~

The star that was not a star...

She came out from the shower, feeling rejuvenated after a long day at work. After drying her hair, which had grown to shoulder length, she noticed that there was a missed call on her mobile phone. It was from him.

The monotonous voice droned, "You have one unheard message."

Beep...Time 0000am,
Message 1:"Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday dear , Happy Birthday to you!!! Hope you still remember my voice, and may you be as pretty and adorable as always, like that star that is not a star. :) "

She was pleasantly surprised when he left a message in the form of a Happy Birthday song for her on her birthday at the stroke of midnight. She could almost hear his smile.
It was like old times, almost.

She drew the curtains, and gazed out at the night skies. Faint, flickering stars could be seen here and there, and somehow, she knew that somewhere out there, in the middle of nowhere, he would be looking up at the sky, maybe even at the same star too.
A memory came to her mind, unbidden but not unwelcome.

"See that reddish star? It's not really a star; it's the planet Mars", so he would take her hand in his and point up at the sky. It seemed so natural then, the way their hands touched. Even now, whenever she looked at the stars, she would look for that reddish star that was not really a star at all.

She thought of calling him back, to ask how he was doing, but some invisible wall blocked her fingers from pressing the buttons on her phone; she still remembered his number by heart. Even now.

They were very close in those days, when the world was simpler, and somehow, though both of them knew it probably wouldn't last, they enjoyed every moment that they spent together.

Till one day, when both of them realized it was time to wake up. She knew that he still liked her, and he knew that she still liked him, and they both knew that they knew, but their paths were meant to diverge at that point in time. And so they parted as friends, each holding a special place in the other's heart.

"Dream of me sometimes", she told him.

"Don't miss me too much", he retorted half-jokingly.

Even now, she still remembered the way he kissed her on the forehead when they said goodbye.

He vanished from her sight after that day, but somehow she knew that he was always watching over her, like a guardian star.

You don't call your guardian angel to chat, do you?

And so, she chose to close her eyes and went to bed, dreaming about the star that was not a star.

Sometimes, the best dreamers are the ones who close their eyes all the time, because they see not with their eyes, but with their hearts.

Love・Lovers (恋愛・愛人)

Ai was born in a family of non-believers, a psuedo single-parent family where the father, when he came home, was usually in a drunken stupor and beat her and her mother. A home that was devoid of love.

Ai always thought that her name was a joke, given to her so that she would always remember that reality was so different. Her mum was finding everyday a torture, and wept from dawn to dusk. As for her, she grew up with a hole in her heart, and that hole in her heart froze over completely when her mum died when she was 13, hanging herself from the balcony, unable to bear the beatings anymore. From then on, she felt nothing, she could feel nothing.

Ever since then, she was left to fend for herself, against her father, against the world. In school, she was bullied; even the teachers were prejudiced against her.

Not because of how she looked, or perhaps because of her looks. She was not a stunning beauty, but her eyes had depth and she had presence, even though she was always silent. She was always made to sweep the classroom after school. Alone.

One day, a newcomer came to her school. His name was Ren. He had been transferred from another school, one in Kansai. He looked nondescript, but no one dared to bully him, because he was lean and looked mean, and his eyes had a simple message: "Tangle with me at your own peril" Everyone just did the reverse of what they did to Ai; they ignored him. What was what he wanted really. He was a loner, and felt happiest when left alone. Still, he could not help but feel something tugging at his heartstrings when he saw how she was being bullied.

The days passed, and for everyone, bullying Ai and ignoring Ren had become a routine. One day, Ren stayed back after school. He nonchalantly watched Ai meticulously sweep the floor, after she had closed the doors and windows to prevent dust from entering.

Perched on top of his desk, he asked her, "When you shut all the windows and seal all the doors, no wind can enter, can it?"

It was the first time he had talked to her. Even though they were classmates, even though he had noticed her the first day he came into the class. She was startled to hear his boyish yet husky voice addressing her gently in that characteristic Kansai-ben drawl of his. She mumbled something inaudible after a moment's hesitation, and continued sweeping.

He jumped off the desk, and took the broom from her. He swept the floor that she had not covered yet. Wordlessly.

Sometimes speech can be so superfluous.

From that afternoon onwards, there was a new routine. He would stay back to sweep the classroom with her. In silence mostly. Once in a while, they would talk. Usually he was the one who initiated the conversation. What did they talk about? That is for them to know.

Time flew by, and it was time for graduation. Both of them realised the implications. To him, it was a sad occasion because he had passed the entrance examination for Kyoto University, and he had to return to Kansai. He knew that he would miss her. As for her, she was going to a women's university somewhere in Tokyo. She knew that he had to leave, but she wanted him to be by her side, the way she wanted to remain at his.

"Come visit me in Kansai, and I'll bring you to eat okonomiyaki and takoyaki!"

He exclaimed excitedly, in a tone a little higher than usual. She could tell he was trying to cheer her up, so she smiled a smile a little brighter than normal.

"Sure, it'll be on you then."she teased.

On graduation day, they took a photo together. He had bought a digital camera recently, a Sony model. She teased him about its color.

"Why is it pink? Are you a girl?", she was merciless with her verbal jibes.

"Not as girl as you", he replied.

A silent, blushing face was her reply. Her silence belied her joy at his barbed compliment. She loved it when people told her she was feminine, and to hear it from him, that was... that was so special.

"Give me your address, I'll send you the photo when it is ready", he told her.

"It is...", she told him.

"Oh, you managed to get into the dormitory?", he was surprised.

"Yes, I guess I was lucky.", she said.

"You should thank your lucky star - me", he wisecracked.

"You?!Lucky star? More like 扫把星(Sao Ba Xing)!" she retorted jokingly.

~~~~

On the day that she was to move into her dormitory, to start her new independent life, he boarded the train to Kyoto. And so they left, without saying goodbye.

What were we really?, he wondered as he stared out the window at the receding landscape of Tokyo. Were we just friends? If so, why do I feel such an acute ache in my heart? A single tear rolled down his cheek, and he took out the photo of the two of them on graduation day from his left breast pocket. "Ai, Ai, Ai!!!", you could hear his heart shouting.

In her bare room in the dormitory, with her boxes and luggage yet to be unpacked, she was staring into space. Not really staring into space, but at the photo of the two of them on graduation day. He had pulled a surprise on her by asking the postman to deliver the letter on the day she moved in. She realized how much she missed him, missed his smiling face, missed his masculine scent, missed his Kansai-ben. Her eyes started tearing. In her room, silence still reigned, but in her heart, in that crimson chamber, it started raining, and if you listened carefully, you could hear the heavens crying in there, crying "Ren, Ren, Ren..."

Sometimes, the most beautiful love is left unsaid. The serenade of the silence weaves its own magical melody; someday you will know it too.

Inspiration comes when you least expect it...

It's been a while since I wrote poetry, whether in English or Japanese, but after seeing the title of someone's new blog, I could not help but be inspired. So here is a 俳句。 :) The kanji might be hard to read, so I have included the yomikata. User-friendly blog, no? :p

舞い落ちる　(まいおちる)
飛花落葉よ　(ひからくようよ)
どこへゆく
離れていても　(はなれていても)
永久の思い出　(とわのおもいで)

『Eternity is not something that begins after you're dead. It is going on all the time. We are in it now.』 ~Charlotte Perkins Gilman~

S is for ...

S is for... Smile/Seafarer/Stay/Sky/Still

She wore an S-shaped pendant. People always assumed that it was her initial, since her name was Shien.

She never said anything to dispel their misconceptions. After all, if people wanted to jump to their own conclusions, why hinder them?

He knew the meaning of that S. But he could keep secrets better than a dead man, so there was no point in asking him. As if you could get that close to him anyway. He was as cold as ice. But most people, they didn't know. They couldn't, because his coldness was hidden below his gentleness.

She always said that he was so gentle because he had a heart of ice. He would only smile his usual enigmatic smile in reply.

His smile. That was like the tip of an iceberg. She would think of the poems he wrote whenever she thought of his smile. They revealed yet concealed, and she could never know what he was really thinking.

He told her that sometimes, even he himself was unsure. But it was ok, because that element of uncertainty made life interesting. Not as interesting as her, of course, he would tease her.

"Me? I am just a girl, I am nobody special." she would shake her head shyly.

"But you are special to me, and you know it." he would reply sincerely while gazing into her huge hazel eyes. The way he could be so flippant one moment and so serious another never failed to astound her. She was deeply attracted by that indescribable quality of his, some attribute that drew her like no one else could.

She would never forget the expression on his face then. He looked very contented, as though he were a seafarer who had found his harbor. Deep inside her heart, she was happy that she could be his harbor. Even though he had not told her that he loved her, the way she loved him.

But ships are not meant to stay in port forever, are they?

He left without telling her the three words that she wanted to hear. He left silently with the dawn, without a word. He left while she was still dreaming. He left her behind, with only their shared memories. And that S-shaped pendant. And three words scribbled on a piece of Post-It.

For you, Shien

She put the pendant on, and wore it the way he used to, the way he was wearing it the first day they met. In Shinjuku Gyoen on a fine Spring day, when the cherry blossoms were in full bloom.

"That's a nice pendant you have on" she remarked.

"Thank you. I am Seiji, and you are?" his husky voice contrasted sharply with his boyish good looks.

"I am Shien." she replied.

That was how it began, with a smile. He came the way he left, like a gust of wind, leaving behind the sky.

On the radio, that Aoyama Teruma song was playing. ~あなたのこと　私は今でも思い続けているよ いくらとき流れていこうと　I'm by your side baby いつでもSo. どんなに離れていようと　心の中はいつでも一緒にいるけど　寂しいんだよSo baby please ただ　hurry back home...

Somewhere out there, the sky still waits silently for the wind's return.

~~~
On the cruise ship, the bartender in the ship's bar smiled when he listened to the radio. It was her favorite song.

Unfair = Impartial

We won 2-1, via a penalty and a freekick. As mentioned before, winning is not everything, but losing means you end up with nothing, so I am glad we won tonight, despite not having Vidic on the field.

A beautiful start does not mean anything, if the ending is not as beautiful. This kind of thinking is a little sad.

Sad, but true.

The way this world of ours is : unfair yet impartial, if you get what I mean. lol

UNFAIR = U N FAIR = U ain't Fair.
IMPARTIAL = I M PARTIAL = I am Partial.

As you can see, soccer is the same too. Perhaps we did not play as beautifully at times, but we were lucky and took our chances when it mattered, and maybe that is what really matters - taking chances.

Take a chance, believe in me. That is all I ask. :)

『Take a chance! All life is a chance. The man who goes farthest is generally the one who is willing to do and dare.』
~Dale Carnegie~

Bring it on...

Barca is next, but somehow after the events of last night, I believe we can go the distance. With our apparent strength in depth, with our teamwork, with our belief (at least my belief), I am confident but not overconfident that we can be there, in Moscow.

In the end, we did what we did not know how to do; we won 1-0, and the aggregate score (3-0) flattered us. To be honest, Roma deserved at least a goal, or even two, but in soccer, as in life, you make your luck, so we were luckier, which is what matters.

Winning is not everything, but losing means you end up with nothing, except maybe experience and some lessons learnt, so I am sure most people would want to be on the winning side.

The beautiful game is not all about winning, but since there is little beauty in losing, let us keep on winning.

In order to do that, we need two things - Patience and Time.

『The two most powerful warriors are patience and time. 』
~Leo Nikolaevich Tolstoy~

Aegis...

or rather, the lack of it. Without Vidic, and without a fully-fit Rio Ferdinand, Man U is as though a warrior fighting without his shield. True, we have a 2-0 lead, we are playing at Old Trafford, but somehow the Boro game revealed our defensive frailties without our formidable aegis of Rio and Vidic. Hopefully, we can fulfill our promise, because this is the best year for us to win.

Just a prediction, but I guess even without Messi and Ronaldinho, Barca is still good enough to go through, and we are good enough to beat them. In the unlikely event that Schalke does win, we would be able to progress to the final too.

As for the final, I am hoping Liverpool will do us a favor. They seem to have a knack of drawing English teams, so hopefully they can go the distance by beating Chelsea and then meet us in the final.

Of course, I appear to be counting my chickens before the eggs are even laid, so for both my sake and Man U's, let us win tonight. 1-0 is enough, but we do not know how to win 1-0, do we?

The draw against Boro was a blemish, but we are not going to let that get us down, because champions are made of sterner stuff than that.

『Our greates glory is not in never failing, but in rising up every time we fail.』
~Ralph Waldo Emerson~

Hanami

Today, here are some of the photos I took.

『Forever is composed of nows.』

~Emily Dickinson~

Just for fun...

Some things have happened, or rather, many things have happened, some good, some bad, but I am still here, so I am happy.

To destress, I will write, and please bear with me if what I write below does not appear to make sense. Sometimes, all we need to do is to unload, unwind, refresh and recharge. Like what I am doing now.

I realised quite a few things over the course of time.
①The first step can be the hardest, but it is usually very simple too.
②Physical distance is not as far as emotional distance.
③It takes two hands to clap, but only one hand to slap.
④Only one letter(R) separates a friend from a fiend.
⑤R is for Respect.
⑥You don't have to earn my trust, but you have to earn my respect.
⑦Respect is not earned by saying one thing and doing another.
⑧Sometimes the answer is out there in plain sight; the only problem is that we dare not see it.
⑨A trusting fool will always be happier than a doubting genius.
⑩Whoever said the process is all that matters has obviously never reached the goal.
⑪At the end of the day, it all depends on how much you really want it.

『You have power over your mind - not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.』
~Marcus Aurelius~

We won...

This time, we did it in style. We let in 0 goals, we won away, Ronaldo got his 36th goal of the season, Rooney scored again, and everything seems good. Yet the price we paid seems a little high. Vidic was taken off with a knee injury. I hate knee injuries! >_<

Hopefully, the downtime this time will not be too long. It can be very frustrating to watch your teammates, the people around you run around and train and do what you have always been doing while you are on the sidelines. We all want to be part of the action, don't we?

Someone told me that there is a reason for everything; this time, was it Pride? Was it Ego raising its ugly head? Speculation will not produce results, so I shall not proceed further.
Still, if the things that occur reek of deja vu, maybe there is something worth examining. Where did we go wrong? Could we have done things better? What are the lessons that can be learnt?

Good luck to the best team, to the best player, and at this moment, the No. 7 is the best player, and his team is the best.

Give it your best shot, because it is what you want, what you really want, isn't it? It is all about that T word, Tenacity. And tenacity is needed all the more in the face of adversity.

『Victory belongs to the most persevering. 』
~Napoleon~

Here we go again...My Way...

I wanted to write this before the day it rained, before the day of the photo shoot, before the day of the musical, before the day I left Tokyo, but apparently I left it too late.

Now I am back in Tokyo, and what I wanted to write has yet to be written, so here I am, writing it down here now. Would it have made a difference, if I wrote it earlier? I would like to think so, but I think it probably would still have turned out this way.

Still, at least I can say that I did it my way, even if it might not be the best way, even if it might not be the right way in the first place. Somehow, if there is a God or some sort of Higher Power, He/She/It must be having fun watching the entertainment provided by us mortals.

All those great plans, all those dreams, they have to be put on hold for now, simply because I did it my way. In this case, that moment of folly, was it really my way, or was I being influenced? The latter is more an excuse than a reason, and the truth be told, I could have walked away at any point. I chose to stay for a reason, to prove a point maybe, or simply out of pride. Whichever the case, if given a choice, I would still do it my way, albeit do it in a subtly different manner.

Of course, if you have not gone through what I have, I cannot expect you to understand, and in fact, I don't really expect, nor do I crave understanding.

What I want is simpler, much simpler. I want a chance. I don't think that if I sit here typing, the chance will appear from the screen and fall into my lap, no, I am not that silly. Of course I will take the actions that I deem necessary, so do not be surprised. That might be hard to do, considering that I surprise myself sometimes too. lol

At the end of the day, it is all about how much I really want it. There is no need for you to give me any answers, the same way there is no need for you to ask me any questions. Not when the question is the answer, and I know both already.

最後に言いたいのは、俺は迷いはあっても良い、けど悔いがないように生きていくよ。そういう風に決めたんだ。あいつみたいにかっこよくなくてもいい、誰かに誤解されても良い、例え何を言われようとも、俺はマイウィーで行く。そじゃなきゃ、意味がないから。俺じゃなくなるから。

The downtime this time might be very costly, but I can only take it like a man, because I have made my choices. One of those was a very very very foolish one, I must admit, but as I have said, no more regrets, no matter what, so there you go.

『Action is the foundational key to all success.』

~Pablo Picasso~